I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
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Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Genius idea!!
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.