I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
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The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died