My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
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I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Sounds like a bargain
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT