Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
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wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.