I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
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“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really