[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You Might Also Like
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.