Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
The happy life.. 😊
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.