People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
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I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it