Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
You Might Also Like
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Nomnomnomnom
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”