The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
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Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
(Electricians.)
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*