It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.