Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
“Sheer Arrogance”