grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
You Might Also Like
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁