been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
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I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Very good news from my accountant
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.