when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
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FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.