Writing, She Murdered.
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Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
lol
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache