Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?