Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)