Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
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My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.