If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
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Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Just grow your own
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*