Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
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Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
PLEASE READ
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Not all heroes wear capes…
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.