It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
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[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.