[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
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My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
next question.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter