did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
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*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
thank god the sign was there
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
WHY would you be happy about this?