Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
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Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.