Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
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3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%