[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
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Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.