[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
wut hotdog?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I have a type: disappointing
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit