Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
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How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.