Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
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Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
This pepper has seen some shit
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
ready to be harvested
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”