*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
😜
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I enjoy a good short stor
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman