Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
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Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Generation gap…
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope