My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
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My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Super Hand Dog Face
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside