Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.