Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
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My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
*cough*
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I know
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Cartman: Respect my
a a
The best plant holders?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.