A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
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nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things