Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
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I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total