SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
They’re really bad with fonts.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
british sex workers really pound for pound
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.