Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
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a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I’d love this…lol
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?