GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
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Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.