Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I already tried new things thanks.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands