when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
translated into Canadian
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Baking is just science you can eat.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again