[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.