Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
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The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.