Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
You Might Also Like
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…