WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
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All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
They also CAN sing✌️
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…