I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Any refunds available?…
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
The internet is magic sometimes.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.