Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
You Might Also Like
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
cause of death:
autopsy.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
no regrets
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
i will not be silenced
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.