My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?