Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
You Might Also Like
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work